1 Peter 2:11 “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.”
Oh, that I had known that at 15. I did not know the impact sex would have on me. And now that I see, I have been on a mission to expose the lies of the enemy – to uncover what he covers up – the impact of what you are signing up for when you have sex outside of God’s ways.
I gave up my virginity very easily – without any resistance. I remember moments slowing down in the minutes before, where I knew I had a choice to make but I honestly thought, “What’s the worst consequence that will happen,” and shrugged my shoulders and said yes. I walked into sexual sin being completely clueless about the contract I was making with each guy. I was completely clueless about the spiritual impact of sexual sin.
And sex filled a bunch of needs for me – it was created to be pleasurable and it is! And I felt like I was the whole world for the guy when I was with him. I felt like my emotional needs were completely filled in those moments. It was like a high.
But behind the scenes I was willingly wrapping myself in chains of bondage while the devil and his demons were cheering. And after the guy was gone, I got a little taste of what was happening in the spiritual realm. Absolute emptiness. A fall from a high like a fall from a cliff into a deep hole. But being with him again (or the next guy) would make that ache go away again, at least for the moment.
I got to the point where I knew I was walking in “the devil’s will for my life” but I didn’t know the truth that the devil absolutely despises me and wants nothing but my utter destruction and death!
Meanwhile, my parents were praying for GOD’S plan and will for my life. And God was moving mountains in the background. Suddenly, in my heart which I had deadened to the sound of His voice, I could hear Him again. I could hear my Creator, the one who loved me completely and eternally and unconditionally.
He led me to a new place, to start again, and to be washed and made whole again and for my chains to be decimated. I felt His water wash me completely pure. All the stains were washed away. I wanted to live the way He wanted. He told me He wanted me to share His love with other people who were caught in sexual sin!
A year or so later, I thought I had found my husband. But one night we made a mistake and I found myself in chains again. My walls (my resolve to resist temptation) were still very weak and I still didn’t understand why I should say no. Saying yes gave me a lot of benefits, and saying no only gave me the feeling of guilt that would eventually subside, or so I thought. We tried to backtrack and bring purity into our relationship but we had forged the path already and there were too many gaps in our walls. When that relationship ended, I was crushed. My hope was smashed at the bottom of a cliff. And I realized that I had been placing my life’s hope in a husband and in marriage and not in Jesus. In the aftermath of this breakup, I could see a crossroads before me. I could see Jesus standing at one end with His arms open wanting to pour His love into my grieving, aching heart and pick up the pieces of hope that were smashed beyond recognition. He was asking me to trust Him with my heart and to place my hopes on Him as He is the only One perfectly trustworthy and faithful.
But I saw another source in the other direction. Immediate, tangible escape of my pain. All that pain could be gone when I was with a guy and all his attention was fixed on me. My attention was on him, so I could not see the chains being wrapped around me, and the snare being ruthlessly tightened around my foot. When I was alone again, oh, the agony and grief over what I had done. When I was alone, I could feel the void that was never supposed to be felt by humans! Sex was always supposed to be in a loving committed monogamous marriage relationship. Not in encounters where, in those short moments we were connected, but I was one of several girls he was with, or his heart was actually wed to his work, and in all cases, we knew this was short-term and there would be a day we would never speak to each other again. We were attempting to emulate that vulnerability and trust and absolute openness that is meant for the marriage bed only; it was a false intimacy. We would be left utterly exposed, our hearts bleeding out, because there were no God-given perimeters to make this a safe and beautiful act – what He has always intended sex to be.
My sin had completely worn down the God-given perimeters around my sexuality and it was open season on my heart and my soul and my very being. I had absolutely zero resolve and “no” was no longer in my vocabulary.
In utter desperation, I cried out to God and He came to my rescue. I gave Him one whole year to pick up the ruins of my heart, soul and identity. I fasted from everything that year and gave Him absolute sovereign reign in my life. Oh that year. It was a year of miracles but also of such pain as God lovingly walked me through the desolation of what my sin had created, and poured His love into the jagged crevices of my heart until the holes were filled. He walked me through the grief of painful crises in my life where I had short-circuited the healing process by escaping with sexual sin. My hand was always in His through that process and He never ever left me.
This was a new washing – I was washed in the blood that Jesus had shed for my sin. My sins were ever before me but Jesus had PAID FOR THEM ALL when He died on the cross. My eyes were opened, for the first time, to the magnitude of what happened at the cross. His blood washed me white as snow. My sins are completely forgotten because God sees me clothed in the righteousness of Jesus. My filthy rags were tossed into the sea and He clothed me in white – just as if I had never sinned. He started a process of renewing my mind and washing my memories. He hid me under His wings for 2 years without any temptation as He built up the perimeters around my purity once again. He restored those walls – closed all the open doors, replaced all the stones that had been worn down to powder. He rebuilt the walls high around my purity that in His perfect way and His perfect timing would open for the beautiful marriage covenant.
As my single time continued longer than I would have ever dreamed, I had opportunities to choose to keep trusting God or to throw it all away. But I had learned my lesson. Oh, I had learned the truth of sexual sin. No matter what, I will choose God’s perfect plan for my sexuality because only, exclusively, His plan brings me life. Anything in disobedience to His plan brings me absolute death. I had experienced that death and nothing will ever lure me onto that path again!!! Even when I don’t understand His timing or His ways, I choose to obey Him because I know His commands exist ONLY for my good, and for my blessing, and for LIFE!