Process to Freedom

God’s ways are the best ways, but how do we actually walk them out? Are small, occasional compromises really that big of a deal?

Journal Entry, 19th Birthday
Dad just came in and asked to add something to my birthday card. He wrote, “No Compromise”. That’s what I’m doing now, isn’t it? Not compromising? Maybe it’s a reminder for the future.

The definition of “compromise” ¹:

• The acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.
• To bring into disrepute or danger by indiscreet, foolish, or reckless behavior.
• Cause to become vulnerable or function less effectively.

Compromise is the reason I have two testimonies, 6 years apart. I turned away from promiscuity and partying when I was 18. God clearly led me to a discipleship program at Youth with a Mission (YWAM) and to Japan, and I followed Him! I shared my testimony in many places in Japan, singing 「もう振り向かない」“I won’t turn away anymore” after each time of sharing. After YWAM, I started out with strong standards, but I gradually began to compromise... drinking a bit too much, making out a bit too much.

I started a serious relationship when I was 21. One night, we stayed out way too late, parked outside of my house. I had a choice to make: sneak into my house and possibly wake people up, or stay at his house. I really wasn’t planning on sleeping with him! But he assumed that staying at his house meant sex. And my reaction was, “Well, I guess this is happening again”. Nearly 3 years of ‘no sex’ ended, just like that. We were in a relationship for 1.5 years, trying to recommit our relationship to God’s ways, but struggled to backtrack since we had already slept together. We got engaged and started planning our wedding, but I felt God clearly say to slow down. After slowing down the wedding planning, everything unravelled and we ended up breaking up. I know I obeyed God in the decision to slow things down, but after my obedience came the biggest heartbreak of my life. How would I handle this heartbreak? Would I follow through on my obedience and run to God? Would I wait on Him and receive ALL that I need? Or would I settle for the tangible yet superficial, immediate yet temporal choice with short-term gain but long-term loss?

Note: Throughout the PureHeart Challenge I include real entries from my journals from between the ages 15-38.

Journal Entries, Age 23

January 2
I want to start this year off by beginning to talk to You again. I have been so hurt, so angry, and so confused because of the breakup. Heal me. My broken heart. Can this all somehow be used for Your glory someday?

February 9
Had coffee with a friend today. She said she had a word for me that God was saying to me not to panic in terms of being single now – if I panic I lower my standards. Hmmm...

February 25
I cry at night, still alone, no God. Don’t know how to feel Him near.

March 2
It’s coming down to a decision making time: the short-term pull towards compromise, or persevering for the long-term desires of my heart of knowing Jesus and walking in purity. Needing to choose the right one. A choice for forever.

March 9
God I need wisdom from you for how to not want to spend time with [new casual boyfriend] even though I like it so much. I want to live in a sexually pure way, but he makes me feel so special... I know it’s not as deep as I desire, but it’s a shadowy glimpse into what I want... Don’t settle. No compromise.

April 30
I know my thought processes involved in my decision to say yes to compromise.

“It’s bad what I’m doing... this time is the LAST TIME...” I shut off everything, except the physical and emotional that are feeling so good. “This is the last time... better enjoy it as much as possible.” Then, by the end of the next week, I’m tired, mad, sad, etc. and I go out to play with fire: “Nothing will happen, I’ll just dance, oh nothing will happen, I’ll just dance with him, oh nothing will happen, I’ll just kiss him, oh nothing will happen, I’ll just take my clothes off.” Hiding from my conscience, hiding in the lie that I have no worth and that God doesn’t love me anymore.

September 20
I stumbled and fell hard this week. And felt totally unhappy throughout. Oh, that this could be the last lesson, that I won’t compromise again. I don’t want to do this anymore. My battle is between choosing the best for the future (God’s best) and my perceived “best” for just this moment. I am fully aware that my version of best would end in hell-like circumstances, but nonetheless, the pull towards him is so great because I’ve already given him some of me.

This suffocation is something I don’t ever want to experience again: the battle for my heart’s affections... To God and His way or to my way (and sin).
God, help me to be strong in my decision. Help me to know You more.

_{[1] Definition according to Lexico Dictionary}