Another aspect of my sexuality is in my heart and my emotions. One late evening, I was heading into a meeting, and my heart was not guarded. I don’t mean guarded against opening up to people, I mean that my heart was unguardedly seeking for male affirmation. It had temporarily taken its gaze from Jesus, temporarily lapsed from casting its cares, desires, needs onto the One who cares for us. All the men at the meeting happened to be married, and so even more so this was not honoring to God. I felt so convicted... it wasn’t externally obvious, but I knew what was going on in my heart.

Later that week, I had another meeting with someone, a handsome married man, and I conducted the meeting as I normally do - fully aware that this person is married and that part of me, my sexuality, was totally not looking toward him. And God showed me, tangibly, the posture of my heart - it was fully guarded and closed in this interaction. It’s hard to explain, but I felt that it was guarded in all the wisdom of Proverbs 4:23 - looking to Jesus with all of its desires and needs, and not at all to this person. I learned what it tangibly felt like to “guard my heart with all diligence”, for next time!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

If there is no place for these desires to go, it can make the heart sick! But we DO have a Place where these longings are fulfilled. I used to think celibacy was a state of deadness... a caged up, withering sexuality, but when I realize that my longings ARE fulfilled, I realize that that place in me is flowing with life! Jesus IS able and more than willing to show you what this means. Ask Him!

A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul. Proverbs 13:19a

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