Process to Freedom

... And He asked me to lay down all the ways I have sought for satisfaction apart from Him so that He could show me Himself, again in the desert.

Journal Entries, Age 35

Day 0
I am going into this fast scared... scared of being alone with You alone. Can You really satisfy me? Or will I be left empty-handed.
I trust You. I lay down my own methods of rest, recreation, pleasure, fun for the next 40 days... to go on a quest of finding it in You - finding it from Your hand.
Only You can fulfil the deepest yearnings and desires in the deepest parts of us. If we try and get that from anything else, we will at best be left disappointed and still thirsting, and at worst, we will be hurt and it may even destroy us.
Show me what this means, God.
Nothing, not even what we would consider the best thing in the world, not even the most incredible gift from You, is sufficient to satisfy thirst forever and completely. Only You can. The gift cannot be more than the Giver Himself. Your gifts come from Your goodness and are a glimpse into Your goodness.

Day 3
God, I still believe that I need the pleasures of the world to satisfy me. I still believe that the pleasures of the world can satisfy me. Sustain me with joy. I realize I need to live in a sustained-by-You way. Live resting in You on a daily basis. When I work at my own self-driven pace, apart from You, that is why I need to crash on the weekends.

Day 4
You own the cattle on a thousand hills. Surely You have the riches in You to satisfy my heart.
Even if there was no one and nothing else, I would not lack. Because what You have is indeed more than enough for me. Show me what this means.

Day 7
I want to learn to take pleasure in You. If I know how to be satisfied at my core, by You alone, I’ll always be satisfied.
This time of setting aside things for You is, yes, starving my flesh, but for the purpose of finding the pleasures that I know are in You for me, for us all - which we miss if we don’t seek You for them.

Day 8
Saturday morning blues. Just work and more work ahead. With no ‘rewards’. But You are not asking me to live one month with no joy. You are inviting me to find my joy from You.

Day 9
I learned about satisfaction in a faulty way. Please, show me. Show me what true satisfaction is. I heard someone define true spiritual satisfaction as, “Loving the Lord with all our heart and being loved in that same intensity”.

Day 11
A song with the lyrics “I hope you satisfy. I do hope you satisfy” was playing at the coffee shop.
I heard you speak to me about tomorrow. That over these first 10 days I have expressed my pain and You have heard me. But starting tomorrow to seek YOU even when unpleasant things come my way. To not focus on the unpleasant thing and my emotions, but focus on finding the delight and pleasure You have for me throughout the remaining 30 days of this fast.

Day 14
You don’t just leave us single and celibate. You keep us satisfied.
‘Satisfy’ means to meet the needs and desires. You surely satisfy far more than the pleasures of the world even could ever come close.

Day 17
I know You care for me in the midst of the physical areas I am perceiving lack. And I know that You supply all our needs - according to Your riches in glory - sometimes I look for Your answer in the physical, but You’re wanting me to see Your answer in the spiritual realm, which overflows into the physical realm.

Day 20
Half-way! It’s Friday again but I’m free from Netflix and junk food withdrawal! I’m at the place where I totally don’t mind, actually even enjoy, an evening of Bible.

Day 27
Broaden my understanding of ‘pleasure’. There are pleasures to be found on earth, but we must remember that they cannot satisfy us completely in a lasting way. Those joys are temporary; fleeting. There is true satisfaction, everlasting joy, in Your presence. And Your pleasures are incomparable...
I have for so long gauged satisfaction by my physical appetites... show me more of this spiritual satisfaction that overflows into a satisfied (nourished, cared for, full, secure) heart.
I confess I have thirsted after things outside of you. But they never leave me satisfied.
If I'm thirsty when I’m waiting to get married, I'll be thirsty after marriage. You demonstrated this in Your conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4). She had had five marriages and was living with a sixth man, and was still thirsting... that satisfaction that we yearn for was not found in her relationships. And You told her, with love and zero condemnation in Your voice (I know this because I heard this same tone in Your voice when You told me I lusted (see Day 34)) that the water You have will QUENCH the thirst of everyone.

“But whoever drinks the water I give will never thirst” (John 4:14).

“Thirst”, according to the Strong’s Concordance, means: “painfully feel their want of, and eagerly long for those things by which soul is refreshed, supported, strengthened.”

After my fast was over, I was preparing for my first weekend night back with my favorite TGIF activity, I said quietly in my heart, Jesus, hang out with me? And immediately the strong urge toward junk food went down significantly.