I was caught off guard by a sudden, unexpected temptation to lust, not after another person, but after myself! I have a desire to be found lovely and desired on all levels, including sexually, by my future husband. That is a God-given desire that, as a single, I give to Jesus and ask what He has for me in this area - what is the way He has prepared for me to walk in through this future-hopeful desire. If I take my eyes off of Him; if I momentarily stop casting this desire onto Him and take a momentary pause on trusting Him, my eyes can go onto myself, feeling impatient that no one is desiring me, and I decide to desire myself.

“Hey, look at you. You deserve to be desired sexually. Your sexuality is being wasted right now. Go ahead and take pleasure in your own sexuality now.” (But sexual desire outside of God's way is lust.) So, if I am believing that idea that I deserve to be desired sexually now, even as a single, that is lust. I could see my eyes change in that moment to that old lustful gaze.

In fact, it felt the same as when I would ‘lose my head’ in the throes of temptation in the past with sex or masturbation. I couldn't even think. My sexuality was being mastered by lust in that moment, like a horse being driven hard - lust as its driver, leaving my head behind in the dust. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like holy sexuality, but I didn't know why.

But it made sense afterwards. The Bible makes it clear to not look with lust on another person. Or to lustfully desire someone to look lustfully on yourself. But to look with lust on myself? I never thought of this concept before this experience.

Now I understand why expressing my sexuality by myself (looking at myself lustfully; thinking it's not sin, it's ok, but then feeling yucky later) is not holy sexuality. And the next time that temptation shows up at my door, I can flee because I now can identify it.

We are sexual beings. We have sexual body parts. We can appreciate our God-given sexuality and praise Him for how He has fearfully and wonderfully made us. But for me, the line that I don't desire to cross again is to change the way I am looking at myself into a lustful gaze. And I can see it in myself. I know when my eyes have changed. And what can follow after that is where I can't even think anymore and self-control is out the window - where my sexuality is not submitted to the Lordship of Jesus, but is rather being driven by the cruel master Lust. We cannot serve two masters in any given moment. We must choose. And the master Lust has proven itself time and time again to be a cruel master, caring not at all for me, desiring only to defile, dishonor, and destroy me. And the Master Jesus has proven Himself over and over and over and over to love me and want only the best for me, and care for me to the point He laid down His life for me.

We honor God with our bodies by honoring our own bodies and not inviting lust (whose primary product is dishonor).

Journal Entry, Age 34
Lord, when I heard You say that I had lusted... I felt so loved by the tone of Your voice. I felt seen by You, and deeply, unconditionally loved by You. And I came to You, and You washed me afresh in Your love.

Journal Entry, Age 35
In my nakedness, may I be pleasing in Your sight. Take out anything that lingers from sexual brokenness in my life, in my heart, in my thoughts, words and behaviour. I want sexual wholeness. Nothing broken, nothing missing. So I come before You and repent, and ask for Your washing and cleansing and restoration.

Cleanse me ... and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Psalm 51:7

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