The Fear of the Lord

Process to Freedom

God used a very difficult event in my life to teach me what had been so elusive to me all my life - the Fear of the Lord.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:10

Age 37

January 23

Even though I had felt a nudge last night to prepare my heart with Jesus before today’s appointment, I ignored it, and I was totally unprepared for the words that came out of the doctor’s mouth - that there was a borderline malignant tumor in my ovary that needed to be removed, along with the ovary, by a 12 cm vertical incision down my abdomen. I went home and binge watched cooking competition shows to shut off my thoughts; to not think.

The next day, I heard Jesus invite me to lay down feeling-numbing activities.

Those things help me forget momentarily, give temporal relief, but that’s me trying to feel ok on my own strength, and it’s only temporary, and wildly insufficient. To lay that stuff down to go through this with You...

January 25 - February 2

There were daily tears as I felt every emotion as I processed the upcoming surgery, and the surprising things that surfaced from the depths of my heart that I didn’t even know were there.

You want me to feel each of these emotions at 100% magnitude? With no numbing devices at all?! Isn’t that too mean?

But I realized His goodness in this instruction to me...

Journal Entry, Age 37, February 3 (13 Years to the day that I gave Jesus Lordship over the area of my love life.) 

After the past week of pouring out my guts to Him, unfiltered and painful, He chose this particularly special day, my ‘birthday’ in Him, to bring His perspective and show me things I never knew before. 

February 3rd marks the day that I gave Jesus lordship over all of my life. I had known Him, I had followed Him, but the area of relationships had been a place of compromise for about 10 years. That year, at the age of 24, I asked Him to be Lord over even this part. I entrusted my love life to Him, and told Him that I wanted Him to choose the man I would marry.

Over the past two months, God, in His perfect timing and great love for me, convicted me and showed me that at 24 I had trusted him to a point, but under certain requirements. I had expected Him to bring my husband before my “youth” ran out. Before I reached a certain age or before time or events affected my appearance too much. 

In June last year, when I fell off my bike onto my face, and sustained injuries to my lips and chin (now just faint scarring), I felt that God had “let me down” in this. After the first few days, I began to look for Him in the midst of it, and He showed me evidence after evidence of His love and care for me. After all His love and faithfulness He has shown me over my life, I wanted to learn how to not distance myself from Him in a crisis, but look for Him as my first act: and say “Jesus! Help me!” Because His Word says that when we call to Him, He comes for us! 

In the midst of struggling a great deal, God showed me the reason I would habitually distance myself from Him in these circumstances is because deep down in my heart I was accusing Him of failing me in the area I trusted Him in - to bring me my husband, before too much aging or beauty is diminished (through, for example, unsightly scarring). 

What I had considered as 100% trust when I was 24, 13 years later, in God's great love and perfect timing, He showed me that that trust was actually like 95%, and that remaining 5% was actually irreverent expectation. He spoke to me through Genesis 22, “Now I know that You fear the Lord!” through Isaiah 11:3, “[Jesus] will delight in the fear of the Lord”, through Deuteronomy 32, “He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He”. Would I trust Him, completely? With the thing dearest to me - my desire to be married?

As I was meditating on what had been a totally elusive topic until days ago - the fear of the Lord - He also reminded me of His gentleness, softness towards me, huge love and delight over me. His Awesomeness simultaneously exists with His Gentleness towards us. Wow. 

The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope (trust) in his unfailing love. Psalm 147:11

Talk with Jesus

You delight in those who fear You, who put their hope and trust in Your unfailing love. Show me what this means in my life. Do I fear You? Teach me, Lord.