Journey to the Altar

Age 37

March 2 

I have had two life-long desires. One has come to fruition. The other one has not. 

The past 8 months have been a process of coming to the altar with this desire. The first desire, I laid on the altar in my early 20s. This desire I had not been able to lay on the altar all these years...

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
“Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Mark 10:17-22

Like the man in Mark 10, I have obeyed God’s commandments. I have closed the door to sexual immorality in my life. I have followed His leading.
Jesus looked at me and loved me. “One thing you lack. The thing that is most precious to you - your desire to be married - lay it on the altar. Give everything you have, everything you desire, to Me.”
When I heard this, my face fell in sadness. “You ask too much, Lord.”
But when I was reminded of the man in Mark 10, I did not want to do as he did and leave this conversation with Jesus in sadness, knowing I could not do as He asked.

Show me what this means. I know that everything You ask of me is for my good. Show me how to lay this, even this, on the altar.

Journal Entry, Age 37, March 10

I want to open my hands from clutching the things I held so dear… to surrender it to You - offer it to You - entrust it to You. I don’t want to withhold ANYTHING from You, because I want You in EVERYTHING. I want Your way, Your thoughts in EVERYTHING.

You have showed me how You are Good in ALL Your ways, so I can trust You even to the extent of giving up to You my most dearest desire. Not just giving these things to You in word, but in physical action. Placing it on the altar is fully removing my hands off it - giving it over to You, fully.

Over the next months, almost all of my quiet time with Him was on this theme, as I wrestled with what it meant to give Him my desire to be married. 

Throughout August and September, I began to strongly desire to meet my husband in the next three months, by my 38th birthday. I began to ask for this in faith and shared this request with others around me to involve them in praying and maybe even to help with an introduction! But in October, I met a young woman who shared how free she felt having given this desire to Him... Oh how I wanted that... So I decided to go after that. “Lord, whatever it takes, show me...”